No one knows the real you but you and sometimes, I guess it’s true that we don’t know ourselves. It can be because we’ve lost ourselves, or maybe because we never knew ourselves to begin with.

I grew up as a co-dependent people pleaser, with a lot of self-doubt and a lot of shame. I didn’t have a sense of self at all. I was like a leaf that the wind blows away, and I needed to be more of a tree with deep roots, grounded and rooted in love.

Growing up, I received a lot of conflicting and negative messages from my family, such as you are loved but you are flawed. I was hungry for the approval of others.

I learned not to trust my ability to make a good decision because the people in my life did not validate my view of reality.

It took me a long time to see that I could have a different opinion than other people and still be loved and accepted.

When I did make a decision, I got the impression that people are in your life to change your mind, and guilt and shame were good tactics to achieve that.

This has made it extremely difficult for me to make and stick to decisions.

If you think you aren’t qualified to make a good choice then you’re going to be afraid to make any choice.

I have often run around asking multiple people, “What should I do? What should I do?” I invited them to give me input. But then I was angry with them for “telling me what to do.”

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.

What I was really telling myself is that my opinion didn’t matter. I valued other people’s opinions far above my own. I disowned myself. Somewhere in my mind I thought that they must have known better. After all, what in the world could I know?

But there is no shame in speaking from a place of truth.

You do know something and that is not a bad thing. In fact, you probably know more than you think you know. But thinking you don’t know anything keeps you from taking the good advice you would give yourself. And it keeps you dependent on other people.

People seem to lose respect for people who are wishy-washy and can’t make their own decisions. In other words, people who can’t think for themselves are also people who don’t respect themselves because they don’t respect their own opinions.

It takes a lot of courage to stand up and take personal responsibility for your life and actually “own” your decisions.

I have let others play the scapegoat by allowing them to be my decision makers. For example, because of my lack of assertiveness in past relationships, I handed over my brain and responsibilities to my partner.

I think it was because of fear but also laziness on my part. But no one can really be happy this way. You won’t be happy, and the other people won’t be either when they hear you blame them for your choices.

Ask for advice if you feel you need it, but take it with a grain of salt. In the end, you are the one who needs to live with your decision. The gurus won’t be the one with the consequences of your choice.

Don’t be so afraid of making mistakes. Fear of the choice being “bad” keeps you stuck. Accept that you are human. As far as I know, all humans make mistakes. The only ones that won’t give you grace are the ones that have no grace for themselves. So lighten up a bit.

We all know some truths that we need to stop denying and start accepting. That unsettled feeling in our gut is there for a reason.

It’s time to stop sweeping things under the rug and start having the courage to speak up. We need to tell ourselves that we are relevant and that our opinions matter, and that by standing our ground we can be a positive force for change, because we have something to say that someone out there may need to hear.

Later in life, I had finally come to the conclusion that I need to trust my best judgment, stick to my decision, follow through, and let the cards fall where they may.

I think the important thing to realize is that life has a way of working out. Even if we make the worst possible choice, we still have the freedom to make adjustments.

So let yourself try what feels right for you, and don’t worry about making the “wrong” decision. One of the best things I have learned is that the world is a place to explore, and it will embrace you if you embrace it!

There comes a point in every person’s life when he or she parts ways with someone: a spouse, a friend and anyone in between.

Upon first meeting this person, there’s a sweet beginning, but once you come to really know each other and grow comfortable, you suddenly realize that the relationship no longer brings any particular value to your life and is perhaps, even detrimental.

Sometimes, we hold on to people purely based on how long we have known them. Time can tie people together, but if you feel as though there’s nothing substantial keeping you connected, time is not a strong enough reason to hold on to something that’s simply no longer worth holding onto.

We grow complacent with people once we’re comfortable with them. But, hanging onto someone for the pure sake of it and because you don’t know anything else isn’t a good enough reason.

It’s okay if you have outgrown the relationship. People change through growth. You aren’t the same person you were ten years ago, guaranteed. Nor should you be. If you have changed, evolved, grown, healed – or if you desire to – it’s hard to carry someone on your back while those transitions are happening. If anything, it only stifles your growth.

Fear is another reason why we can’t move on. There’s the fear of being alone and not being able to find someone else; fear of someone using our deepest and darkest secrets as blackmail; fear of the hate and tension that will ensue; fear of regret once someone is gone.

Sometimes, things are better left as mere memories. You can try to change things back to how they were or try to create things to be the way you want them, but you’ll never be truly happy because it’ll never be anything like how things once were.

If anything, there’s now too much pressure and expectation in the air to recreate what you both once had. Instead, hold on to and cherish the memories, but move forward. Be thankful for what a friendship or relationship brought you and taught you.

Beyond that, friendships and relationships — while they do have their downfalls and can require fixing — should essentially come naturally.

If a person isn’t bringing something significant to your life, not treating you how you’d like or isn’t the type of person you want him or her to be, it’s a clear sign that you need distance.

While it would be selfish of you to not accept a person for who he or she is, it would be unfair for you to have to endure a friendship or relationship that isn’t cultivating a better you.

A good reason to let go is because things are not the same anymore.

People simply grow a part, which is perfectly normal. You realize you want different things, no longer share the same interests, no longer understand and no longer connect.

Sometimes, it’s a matter of accepting that it takes time to let go, rather than holding on to something that just can’t be brought back, was lost a long time ago or perhaps, was never really there at all.

It’s difficult to hold on to people in life, but remember that you’re destined to meet different people along your journey who will bring you happiness, sorrow, pain and joy.

If you know in your heart that you can’t trust this person and he or she cannot be loyal, then you need to ask yourself why this person is in your life. Trust and loyalty are the foundation of any friendship and relationship.

If they’re not present, it may only lead to paranoia, frustration, tension and anger that you’re better off without feeling.

Find someone with whom you can share your deepest darkest secrets and you know that after walking away, his or her lips will remain tightly sealed. Find someone whose faithfulness to you will be unquestionable because his or her actions, rather than empty promises, bring you a peace of mind.

Sometimes people can let go because they are unclear of where things stand.

Engaging in an undefined friendship or relationship is confusing because you don’t know what you mean to the person, if anything at all. If the person can’t make you feel as though you’re significant, reflect on why you’re allowing someone to treat this way.

Be in the company of someone who is proud to have you in his or her life and will make that known to you and the rest of the world. Be in the company of someone who won’t gamble with your heart and mind simply because he or she knows you’re not going anywhere.

If the friendship/relationship is making you unhappy or miserable, it’s time to bid the person farewell. We must not allow ourselves to feel trapped and used to being treated far less well than we deserve.

If someone is putting you down, competing with you, not paying attention to you, not caring about you, abusing you, embarrassing you in front of others, making you question yourself, belittling you or simply just not caring about you, remove the negativity from your life as soon as possible. Respect yourself enough to be able to walk away.

It is hard to make a relationship work if you can’t ever agree or see each other’s points of view. If the one thing you can agree on is that neither of you can agree, it might be time to walk away.

In many friendships and relationships, people come together through unlikely chances, through their differences and lack of similarities. Therefore, it can work, but if you find that it’s a significant source of many of your disputes and tensions, get out now.

If your relationship makes you feel as though you’re the only one putting in effort, time and love, reflect on whether or not it’s worth it. If someone truly loves you, cares for you or wants and needs you, the person will never allow you to invest disproportionate effort.

Find someone who makes you feel worthwhile and worthy. Find someone who fights to have you in his or her life. Find someone who knows how lucky he or she is to have you.

Find someone who acknowledges everything you have done and will do. Don’t waste your time on anything less.

If you find that your relationship isn’t providing you with support, reflect on what the person is providing. You deserve someone who will be there to encourage you throughout your journey and believe in you maybe even more than you believe in yourself.

Ask yourself whether you can do without the relationship or whether it’s something you unquestionably want and deserve. Sometimes, there’s this belief that we can be “too picky” with what we want from others in life, but then again, why should we settle for anything less than happiness?

Don’t ever allow someone to make you feel needy for wanting someone who will love, care and support you, someone who will listen and give you insightful advice, someone who wants the same things, someone you can trust and will be loyal to you, someone who believes so strongly in you and your capabilities. Just someone who makes you feel like you’re someone.

Don’t be afraid to move on from a relationship that no longer serves you. It doesn’t mean you have to excommunicate a person, per se. It means you have to be willing to be honest enough with yourself and value yourself enough to not want to waste anymore time and effort on something that doesn’t contribute to the quality of your life or helps to make you a better person somehow.

Food for thought! xo Shelly