The late (former) Israeli Prime Minister Shimon Peres once said that negative people and positive people all die the same death, but that they live very different lives.

The way I look at it, the question is simple: when something negative, unpleasant or challenging happens to you in life, do you get better or do you get bitter?

While I was a going through what I considered the worst divorce in history, I remember waking up every day thinking throughout the day what a horrible thing divorce was. I wondered how other people had gone through it and come out with their sanity, and not marred with cynicism about love and life.

For a year afterwards, all I saw was the negative in everything, my former life, my life circumstances, and most of all myself.

I was worried about supporting my son, some of our “friends” of course had to choose sides, and I found out during the divorce about my degenerative eye condition. I had bills upon bills to pay, was struggling to make ends meet, and it seemed like every check I wrote bounced.

I could not wrap my mind around why all of this was happening at one time, and I felt like giving up on most days because there was no good in the world.

The times when my son was with visiting with his father and I had time alone were my darkest hours.

Depression came and wrapped me up, and I could not break free from seeing the worst in every situation and imagining that more of the worst would happen.

Then one day I realized that, as miserable as I was and as much as I wanted my situation to change, it was not going to, at least not in the moment I wanted it to.

I realized that there was only one thing I could change, and that was my perspective and how I looked at everything.

I decided that I could look at my life in one of two ways: either I was destined to be punished eternally and live a miserable life full of pain, hurt, and guilt; or I was going through all of this because the Universe knew I was strong enough to bear it and I would come out stronger, better, and happier than if I did not go through it.

I chose the latter.

When I decided to change my perspective, I felt comforted to know that all that I was going through had a purpose, even if I did not understand it. I found a peace in knowing that I could change my mood in an instant by changing my perspective.

What I learned is that while we all go through tough times, but how we view what we are going through is completely up to us. Even after I realized the importance of perspective, I still had moments when I let the negative invade. When that happened, I thought of the following to shift my mind back to a place of peace:

Nothing lasts forever.

There is no emotion or situation that will last forever. Life ebbs and flows, and the good and bad in life will come and go, eternally.
This world is a dual world.

The physical world and what we see and feel is not all there is. There is a world of spirit and purpose underneath it, and no matter what it looks like on the outside, there is much more going on beneath the circumstances we perceive as negative.

If I can remember that and tap into the deeper meaning behind what I am experiencing, then I can accept what I am going through with greater ease.

We have a choice in how we view things.

Today, I look back on all that I have been through in the past ten years and instead of feeling angry, bitter, or consumed by it, I feel that so much has come from it.

I started to meditate regularly again, I rediscovered my passions and hobbies, I made lasting friendships.

I have built wonderful relationships with the friends that supported me through the tough times and I know that I can go through tough times and not break.

Somewhere along the way, I was able to find the silver lining in my rainbow, and you can too.

Take a look at your life and think of the many tough times you have endured and the many blessings that have arisen from them. You have a chance to find the bright side to your situation, no matter how tough it seems, by only changing your view and identifying the positive of every experience. There is a lesson in the pain and there is a beautiful rose in your thorn bush. Only you are focusing on the thorns.

Changing your perspective is like changing the window through which you view the world. When you change how you view the world, you change how you feel about it.

The problem with our own perspective is that it’s limited. Take the time to expand it.

When we meditate sometimes on Sunday mornings, one of the visualizations I have you follow is imagining yourself floating into space. I usually have you hover over Earth and look down with a bird’s-eye view. You look down and see your life all the way down there. From up there, you can see everyone else involved, and see the challenge or situation in its entirety.

What do you see that you didn’t before? How does your perspective change from way up here?

From out in space, fear and anger and grudges seem a little bit funny, and there are no harsh judgments. Up there, there’s no borders, no conflict. Just feeling present in the moment with love for a pale blue dot and its people hurtling through the universe.

So whether it’s opening a new door or hovering in space, the shift always begins within your mind.

xo Shelly

Almost twenty years ago, when I was in my early twenties, I wasn’t really my own best friend. I was in graduate school and although things were going okay with my studies, I wasn’t very happy. When I made a mistake or failed I beat myself up for days or sometimes weeks.

I mostly focused on the negative and rarely took the time to appreciate the small and wonderful things about my life and myself.

I compared how I looked, my results in school, and success while dating to what other people had and their results. I was stuck in a rut of negativity and low self-esteem. Not a good place to be in.

But finally, after many years, I broke out of that rut.

It wasn’t easy. But step by small step I made changes in how I thought and how I viewed the world and myself. I stumbled along the way and many times I fell back into my old negative habits. Committing to a daily meditation practice was certainly the cornerstone, breathing and pausing mindfully multiple times a day. But in addition to meditation, there were some other habits that helped me make a big change in my life – habits that I still rely on to this day in order to maintain and build my self-esteem.

One of the first things I decided that I needed to stop doing was comparing myself and what I had to other people and what they had.

But what does one do instead, since replacing a habit tends to be more successful than trying to just stop doing it? I decided that I would compare myself to myself instead: to look at how I had grown; how far I had come; how I had become more successful in small or bigger ways.

One other interesting thing I discovered was that when you are kinder toward other people in your life, you tend to think about and treat yourself in a kinder way, too. And the other nice thing about this is that how you treat others is how they tend to treat you in the long run.

So I found it very helpful to focus on being kind in my daily life. This helped to put my metta (lovingkindness) meditation practice into action. Now, this kindness doesn’t have to be about big things. It can simply be to do things like:

-Just being there and listening fully for a few minutes as you let someone vent
-Giving someone a genuine compliment
-Letting someone into your lane while driving
-Taking a few minutes to help someone out in a practical way by giving advice, using Google to help them find something, lifting a heavy table, or making arrangements for a dinner at a restaurant

And you know what? You’re gonna screw things up. You’re human.

Instead of beating yourself up when you make a mistake, fail, or stumble in some way, ask yourself: How would my best friend or parent support me and help me in this situation? Then simply do things and talk to yourself like he or she would.

This simple change in perspective can help you to not fall down into a valley of depressed thoughts, but to be constructive and optimistic about what you do from here on out.

You see, one of the biggest reasons why I beat myself up so much was that I often wanted things to be perfect. And so I held myself to an unrealistic standard, in school and with whatever I did, really.

A big problem with this mindset was, of course, that I often did not do things at all because I was afraid that I could not do them perfectly. Or, I felt it would be too much work and quit before I had even gotten started.

Just realizing how this mindset was hurting me and people around me helped me to let go of it and adopt a healthier outlook. Also, reminding myself that there is a thing called “good enough” and focusing on reaching that instead of perfection helped me not only to get better results, but also perform better in all areas of my life.

It also helped me to stop procrastinating so much and to take a lot more action to improve my life step-by-step. One thing I learned over the years (from my son actually) is that “good is good enough.”

Here is my experience with self-love:

-Life becomes simpler and lighter, because you will not make mountains out of molehills nearly as often anymore.
-You’ll be less needy and more stable as a human being. When you like yourself more, when your opinion of yourself goes up, then you’ll stop trying so eagerly to get validation and attention from other people.
-You will sabotage yourself less. By raising and keeping your self-esteem up, you will feel more and more deserving of good things in all areas of your life. So you’ll go after these good things more often and with more motivation. And when you get them, then you’ll be a lot less likely to self-sabotage because you know that you deep down actually deserve to have them in your life.
-You’ll be more attractive in any kind of relationship. With better self-esteem you’ll get the benefits listed above. And all of that is highly attractive in any kind of relationship. No matter if that relationships is with a friend, at work, in school, or with a partner.

All these huge benefits coincidentally also made my life happier. And as I moved through my days, I kept these very important reasons for keeping my self-esteem up and improving it in the forefront of my mind. Imagine that!

So stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress; which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once. Investing in the development of good habits, a foundation (like meditation) on which to build upon is a great start.

See you on the sand on Sunday!

Did you ever wish you could just take off from work and get away from it all? Last summer I had the opportunity to do just that.

I was wrapping up an almost twenty year career in corporate America. My son was in summer camp. So, my husband and I decided to go spend a week in Islamorada.

The weather was everything you would expect it to be: sunny, warm, and gorgeous.

Being away from the daily grind of work prompted deep reflection on my part. As a result, I came to some unexpected insights about my career and my life.

I learned that to some degree, ambition can make you miserable.

When you’re on the fast track, you’ve always got this nagging, stomach-knotting anxiety that you’ve got to go and make it happen or else you’ll be left behind, unable to take your place at the table of materialistic plenty. Worse yet, you start to worry that others will elbow you out and grab your share.

For sure, our competitive society is full of this kind of attitude. And it’s easy to get pulled into it yourself.

I’m not saying that ambition is bad – especially when pursued for good reasons, like taking care of yourself and improving your state in life.

But the dark side of ambition is that it can pile on the stress. Remember that knot in the stomach I talked about?

I learned that only when you take a break from the grind can you realize the impact of your ambition on your spirit.

Only then can you discover what’s driving you and sort out whether it’s truly important or not.

For my part, I discovered that “climbing the ladder” in an organization was no longer important to me.

What emerged as most important was using my strengths and experience to coach leaders, help them solve their problems, and make their own marks.

I also learned that I was more stressed than I realized.

After just a few days of sleeping in and waking up to the sound of waves and tropical birds, I realized the knot in my stomach was gone. What’s more, I didn’t realize how big of a knot it was.

A good chunk of the stress knot was present because of my own doing.

For many of us, this knot of stress is the price we pay for trying to make a living and get ahead. The price includes responsibilities that bear down on you. Maybe over time your health and wellness starts to slip away.

The next thing you know you’re in the grind.

But what’s being ground up is you.

At this point, I learned I had a choice: I could go back to the grind or I could use the strengths I developed over my career to serve others in a more balanced way.

I’ll give you one guess what I chose.

I learned that we really don’t need a lot to live well.

While we were in the Keys, my husband and I were in a small one-bedroom studio. The sum total of our possessions amounted to a couple of suitcases of clothes. And our guitars.

And that was plenty. In fact, it was more than enough.

Living this stripped-down lifestyle removed the hidden burden of having material things to worry about. I’m talking about things like a house, two cars, furnishings, bikes, golf clubs, lawn mowers, washers and dryers, and all the other things we buy to simplify our lives.

The radical downsizing opened me up to experience the rhythm of a simpler life.

And it wasn’t boring at all.

On the contrary – with the hustle, bustle, noise, and possessions gone, I had time to notice the little things that make life rich and enjoyable.

Like the cooling ocean breeze or the small birds that jumped from branch to branch in the trees outside our studio window.

Like connecting more with family, friends, and the transcendent.

Living with less clears away the clutter of our go-go modern lives and allows us to get reacquainted with our authentic human selves.

I’ve learned that we often like to think that we have unlimited time, but all that we can truly count on is this moment.

Practicing gratitude for all that you do have, allowing yourself to be vulnerable with the people who matter, doing random acts of kindness, and not being afraid to show others your authentic, imperfect, and beautiful self-is what we should all be striving for.

We are given this one life, and I encourage you to dig deep and think about how you want to spend your time and energy. I don’t know about you, but while I’m here I want to go on more adventures, learn new things, connect with people in an authentic and meaningful way, build the kinds of relationships that I deserve, taste delicious foods, travel, help others who are struggling, and let myself experience and feel every emotion-pleasant and unpleasant.

I would urge you to think about what your values are. If you are living a life that is not in accordance with you true values-it may be time to be courageous and to start making some changes. After all, nobody is going to give a crap about any of those materialistic achievements at your funeral or thereafter.

See you Sunday on the sand!